Sailing Over Troubled Waters
by Alayone
Summary: The Marauders have entered their seventh year at Hogwarts, and Sirius Black and Remus Lupin have come across an unsettling development in their friendship. Warning: This is a slash fic.
1. Chapter 1

The dormitory was deserted when I woke up on a dreary Saturday. The feeling of loneliness I felt was uncanny. I was quite shocked by it really so I just lied there, eyes transfixed on the ceiling. Where was everyone anyway, I wondered to myself. Then I remembered; James was going to meet Lily. I sighed and was startled to hear rustling by the window. I sat up and looked over to see amber eyes staring back at me. They, of course, belonged to one of my good friends, Remus Lupin. I smiled quickly, trying to hide my shock of suddenly seeing my friend curled up on the window ledge. He smiled back.  
  
"You woke up finally," he said teasingly. "Honestly Sirius, I was beginning to think you had died."  
  
I chucked my pillow at Remus who ducked just in time, still grinning broadly. I then pulled myself from the comfortable bed, shed my pyjamas and threw on some clothes. When I looked back, Remus was staring out of the window, a thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
"I'm guessing James left already?" I asked as I pulled a sweater over my head. Remus nodded, still looking away.  
  
"Yes. James went to meet Lily. He said they were going to go out for a walk before it rained, but I'm sure you already knew that." He broke his gaze from the window at this moment to drill me with those eyes. I shuddered involuntarily. "I don't know where Peter is off to," he continued. I just shrugged before flopping back down on my bed. I could still feel his eyes on me.  
  
"If there's a reason why you're looking at me like that Remus, let it out now," I said lazily. I looked back up to see a slight grin playing on his face.  
  
"I guess you caught me," he said softly. "I was worried is all. You seem a bit . . . off since James started going out with Lily."  
  
I sat up in bed again and this time it was my turn to stare at Remus. We were friends, but there was no doubt James Potter was my best friend. We told each other everything. I even went to stay with his family when I ran away from home. They were kind enough to let me stay and understood my problem. We spent all our free time together, but now since he'd been going out with Lily, there was less time for us to hang out. I knew I was being selfish, and I resented that. I looked at Remus, wondering if I could possibly tell him this. I usually told everything to James, but not this. I couldn't tell James about this one.  
  
"You're feeling left behind," Remus said suddenly. I took in what he had just said, more shocked that he had said it than that he had guessed it. I already knew he was usually good at guessing people's feelings.  
  
"Am I that obvious?" I asked in mock surprise. Remus just grinned.  
  
"It wasn't that hard to figure out. You and James are hardly ever apart," he replied, his voice still soft. I felt at ease talking to him for some reason. I gave that credit to his tone of voice.  
  
"Until now," I sighed. "I'm so bored right now. We usually make all our best plans on Saturdays together." Remus gave me a sympathetic smile that made me feel sick. I never felt much for pity.   
  
"James isn't going to block you out entirely, you know? He and Lily just started going out. They need some time to spend together, figure out how things are. James will always make time for you though. You know that Sirius. There's no need to doubt anything."  
  
I nodded. I knew Remus was right. He always had a way of being the voice of reason. It was he who often talked me out of my more stupid ideas in life.  
  
"Besides," he continued. "What about all the times you had a girlfriend when James didn't? You know, if you wanted, you could have any girl in Hogwarts."  
  
I smirked at the sandy-haired boy. "I can't just go out with any girl who comes my way to make up for my time lost from James. That'd lower my standards, they might think I'm easy." Truth be it told though, I was frowning inwardly. Why didn't I have a girlfriend? It would be untruthful for me to deny what Remus had said. How could I not notice the girls staring after me? For some reason, it didn't impress me though. Sure, I went out with a couple of them, but it always ended the same way. Usually about a week would go by and I'd dump her. There was just always something missing, something I wanted that none of them could give.  
  
I looked back up to see Remus was smiling serenely at me. I suddenly appreciated all those times he'd ever been there for me, like right then. He'd been there as much for me as James. I kind of took it for granted though, I realized. He was so nice, he always listened and always cared.  
  
"Thanks Remus," I said suddenly. I watched as his eyebrows rose on his pale face, the grin still plastered stupidly to his face. "You always listen," I elaborated. "It's nice to know you're there."  
  
His face changed again. The warmest smile I had ever seen stretched across his face, his amber eyes twinkling brightly. "I'll always be here for you Padfoot," he promised. A slight tapping on the window behind him made him turn his head. "It's raining," he added merrily.  
  
I couldn't figure out what could be so amusing about the fact it was now raining until ten minutes later when James came crashing into the dormitory absolutely dripping. I laughed heartily at the sight in my usual bark-like manner. Even Remus gave a chuckle before hopping down from the windowsill while pulling out his wand and muttering an incantation to dry James. James grumbled something inaudible before letting himself fall onto his bed. I jumped over from my bed to his while Remus sat down on the edge.  
  
"So?" I prompted. "How did it go? Did you guys have fun?" I elbowed James who just grumbled again.  
  
"Must have been devastating," Remus said in his usual serene manner. I grinned wickedly at Remus then peered back down at James. He'd obviously had a bad time, but I could cheer him up. I pulled myself up so I was standing beside James on the bed. Remus got up and moved quickly as I began jumping up and down. I didn't quite get the reaction I was expecting though.  
  
"By Merlin, Sirius! Can you cut that out? We're in seventh year now, not first!" he snapped. He reached up one hand to pull off his glasses and the other pressed itself to his face. "I just had a bad morning, okay. I'd like it if you just left me alone for a moment."  
  
"If you want to talk . . . "  
  
"No Sirius, I don't."  
  
I crawled off James's bed, feeling thoroughly disappointed. I scampered over to Remus where he was now seated on my bed which was beside James's. I crawled up next to him and grabbed his arm. "James is being meanish," I said in mock little boy tones. When I looked into Remus's face, I saw he wasn't smiling anymore though.  
  
"Just let him go Padfoot," he said as soft as ever. I sighed. James was still lying in his bed, one hand over his face.  
  
"All right Remy," I gave in as I leaned my head casually onto his lap. "You'll have to amuse me now though." His hand obediently began stroking my hair. I looked up into his face and saw he was smiling yet again back down at me. I felt an odd lurching in my stomach. Must be hungry, I reasoned as I hadn't eaten breakfast yet. I contemplated getting up to go get something, but I felt too content there. I figured it had to be the dog in me who loved to be petted so much. So we sat there like that for a while, myself with my head on Remus, Remus petting my head, and James looking like he wanted to die. It was interrupted at last when my stomach let out a low rumble. I heard Remus laugh above me and even James peered out of his fingers to look at me. I smiled sheepishly at both of them.   
  
The hand that had been on my head left. "If you get off for a second Padfoot, I've got a few chocolate frogs we can munch on," the owner said to me. I whined, but got up just the same. I watched eagerly as Remus crawled across my bed to the other side where he got off and began rummaging through his things. He pulled up a short while later with a bag. From it he pulled a frog and threw it to James who was finally up now and caught it. He then tossed one to me that I obligingly caught in my mouth. Remus laughed before taking one for himself and dropping the bag.  
  
"You're such a dog," James muttered from his bed. I grinned in my usual lopsided mischievous way.  
  
"So now you're speaking?" I asked before tearing the wrapping off my frog and biting into it before it could hop away. "Wook, Ib gob Mogama," I said with frog in my mouth while displaying the card.  
  
"Trade you," James said brandishing one of Circe.  
  
"Tell me what's up and I will," I bargained, taking the time to swallow beforehand this time. "Besides, I've already got her." James scowled and I laughed. Remus was looking with interest at James as he came to sit next to me.  
  
"I don't really want to talk about it, okay?" he said.  
  
"I'm your best friend, now you're going to tell me or no Morgana for you."   
  
He scowled yet again. "Lily and I had a little argument is all, you happy now?"  
  
"You didn't break up, did you?" Remus asked, alarm and worry within the confines of his voice.   
  
"No. She just . . . she said I'm not acting like a good enough role model being Head Boy and all. She wants me to be more mature, at least around the younger kids."  
  
Remus laughed, but James cast him an angry look. The look softened though after a few moments. "You suppose she's right, don't you Moony?"  
  
He continued to smile. "You'd do well to not show off other people's undergarments. Or try to get them killed." His face looked slightly gloomy as he finished this, but his smile still remained. It was an odd sight for anyone, but fitting somehow for Remus.  
  
"I'm going to go talk to her," James said at once. He jumped from his bed and made for the door, stuffing the last bit of his chocolate frog into his mouth. He turned, one hand resting on the doorknob. "Thanks Moony. And don't worry Padfoot. I'll be back so we can make plans later."  
  
I waved slightly as James left and it was just Remus and myself again. I sighed as I fell back onto Remus's lap, my long black hair falling across my face. I didn't feel like bothering with this and planned on just letting it there. It seemed Remus couldn't stand for this though and he pushed the strands away from my face. His fingertips felt icy.  
  
"So what's up with you, Remus? I've unburdened myself on you, James has done the same, but you're always so quiet about your own worries." I watched as his eyes drifted back off to the window, rain hammering against it. "You keep looking out that window. Is there something out there?" I prodded.  
  
Remus shook his head. "No. I just like to look out the window when I think. The scenery . . . it clears my mind."  
  
"So what are you thinking about?"  
  
I studied his face the whole time, watching for any sign of anything. He had a knack for staying composed under any circumstances though.  
  
"Just things," he said vaguely. "Small things and big things. We're in our seventh year already and I can't believe it."  
  
"Yeah," I agreed. His hand came down on my head again to stroke my hair some more and I'd never felt more contented in my life. I closed my eyes, just enjoying my friend's fingers in my hair.  
  
"I'm scared," Remus said suddenly, causing my eyes to flutter open again. His eyes were diverted to the window still while his hand absent-mindedly stroked me. I continued to stare at him, waiting for some elaboration and I noticed his face no longer looked its mask of calm anymore. There was definite fear in those amber eyes, something I'd only glimpsed on a few occasions.  
  
"You know I'll always be there for you Remus," I said, my voice sounding much softer than it ought. I saw a smile creep across his face and I smiled back encouragingly. He looked back at me, his eyes almost clear again, like they normally were. I fully realized then that his eyes never were entirely clear, a reflection of his mind.  
  
"Thanks," he said, "but I'm being stupid. I've been letting my thoughts get carried away again. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't apologize to me," I said, anger surging in my voice. "You have every right to be scared; the world is a scary place! Don't you ever apologize to me again without reason now, you hear?" He nodded solemnly and I immediately felt better.  
  
"Good. Now if you don't mind you seem to have stopped petting my head," I pointed out. He laughed before pulling at a lock of my hair. "Watch it there!" I warned.  
  
"But when do I get my turn?" he asked in good humor. "I'm always the one petting you."  
  
I smirked. "Dogs like to be petted. Now get to work." I felt his cool fingers bat at my face, but then they went back to work in my hair again. Had I been in my dog form right then, my tail would have been wagging. I felt another slight lurch in my stomach. Still, hungry? I didn't really feel hungry though. I looked up at Remus imploringly. My eyes locked with his and I was dazzled by how warm, yet tired they were. Already at 17, they looked so much older.  
  
I wondered if the rest of his face looked so aged. My eyes wandered across it, but it looked a picture of his age except for one thin scar that slid along one cheek. I felt a strong urge to touch that scar, so I did. I saw his eyes open wide in surprise, but he didn't retract. Then something came over me, something I can't even explain. I lifted my head slightly, reaching up with my other hand, the first still on the scar, and I grabbed a hold of his shirt collar with this hand and pulled his head down closer to mine. When it was close enough, I pressed my lips against his, holding him there for several moments. My hand that was on his scar traced up his face and to that wonderfully brown hair where the fingers dug in as if to never let go. When I did let go of both collar and hair, he just stayed like that, eyes larger than galleons.  
  
I gasped, realizing in a moment what I had done, but neither of us had any more time to react. At that moment, the dormitory door was creaking open. Remus straightened up at once, resting one hand on my forehead, pinning me to his lap.   
  
"Oh, hi Peter," I heard Remus say with only the slightest trace in his voice to suggest we had just been up to anything out of the ordinary. I looked up and saw his face, to my disbelief, was already a mirror of calm except for those eyes that betrayed him. I wanted to hit him for being so calm and collected, but this urge I managed to resist.  
  
"You guys look comfortable," Peter said as he walked over to his bed to deposit his school bag. I let out a nervous laugh, much too loud than it should have been, but nothing that Peter picked up on. I was right then a long way from being comfortable ever again.  
  
"So, I'm going to head down to the Great Hall for lunch, do you want to join me?"  
  
I jumped up at once, freeing my head from Remus's grip. "Sure, I haven't eaten yet. Besides, I have a feeling James is going to be busy with Lily for a while." In truth, I was no longer hungry at all, the idea of eating was making me sick, but I wanted to get out of that room right then so bad. I tried my best at my natural grin and it seemed Peter had bought it. I looked back at Remus, but his face was now devoid of any feeling, even his eyes were blank. 


	2. Chapter 2

Lunch was a somber affair, much like the full moon. I was in luck though. James was completely devoted to Lily the whole time so he didn't notice any difference in Sirius's and my behavior. Peter, I wondered if he noticed, but he spent so much time fretting over his essay for Defense Against the Dark Arts that I really doubted it. I read through it for him to make up for my lack of eating, but couldn't concentrate on the material long enough to actually correct any mistakes. Finally I gave up, handed Peter back his essay and told him I'd forgotten something and had to leave. Peter just nodded, but I caught Sirius looking at me out of the corner of my eye.  
  
iSirius, what were you thinking?/i I asked myself as I wandered the halls of Hogwarts. I ran a hand through my hair then pulled it out, realizing it had been the one I had just been using to stroke Sirius's hair. I'd done that so many times before while we were all hanging around the dormitory, but never had anything like what had just occurred ever happen before.  
  
There had to be some reason, something. Friends didn't just up and kiss one day, especially not friends of the same gender. And what if Peter hadn't walked in? What would have happened next? I stopped where I was in the hall and pressed my back against the wall, feeling my breath leave in ragged intervals.  
  
He had said he was bored. He was lonely though, I could just tell by the way he was. That still didn't make sense as to why he kissed me.   
  
I pushed myself from the wall and began moving again. Some students who had left the Great Hall came running by, yelling excitedly. I turned so as to get away from them and let my brain buzz onward. I wandered for hours, but by the time I got back to the Gryffindor Common Room, I still wasn't done thinking.  
  
The only plausible reason, I deduced as I sat in an armchair in the corner, was that Sirius was confused. It seemed everything going on his seventh year was too much for him. What with NEWTs, his loneliness at losing time with James, and other such things. I'd seen the shock in his eyes after we'd parted. Surely, if he was shocked, he hadn't meant to kiss me. No, there was nothing there. We were just friends, nothing more.  
  
"Remus, there you are?" a familiar voice broke into my thoughts. I looked up to see a red-haired girl with brilliant green eyes coming toward me. "You left the Great Hall so quickly. Is anything wrong?"  
  
I looked at Lily and that worried expression on her face. I couldn't tell her what was really bothering me though, that would only humiliate Sirius further. Despite that incident, I cared about him and I couldn't stand for anyone finding out what we did, it would only damage his reputation.  
  
"I wasn't feeling very well," I said evenly. Then in an attempt to get away I stood up. "I think I'm just going to go back to the dormitory now and lay down." I skirted past her, aware of a skeptical look holding her features together, but I just wanted to get away. I hurried up the stairs hoping she wouldn't follow and rushed into the dormitory. As I closed the door and turned to face the room, a sharp intake of breath on my part made a the only sound there.  
  
Laying on his bed, looking in quite a disheveled state was Sirius. His long black locks were strewn on his pillow, his dark eyes vapid. My first instinct was to go over to see what was wrong, but I held back, already knowing what had caused this scene.  
  
He got up slowly, looking at me with what appeared to be a purely frightened face. I swallowed and found my calm center. It was as hard as it had ever been.  
  
"Remus, I need to talk to you," he said quickly, swinging one leg off the bed, then the other. "About this morning, I can explain."  
  
"There's really no need to explain," I said, sound barely making it's way out, but I had managed to make it sound semi-normal at least. His eyes were drilling into me oddly; it made me uneasy.  
  
"No, listen Remus, I do. What came over me, it was . . .well it's hard to explain. It was like . . . ."  
  
"Like you didn't know what you were doing," I cut in. "You were confused and lonely Sirius, it's okay. You don't need t-"  
  
Remus, just shut up and listen to me!" he yelled. I stood my ground, but inside I was cowering. Sirius had never raised his voice like that to me before. "Perhaps I was lonely, but I was not confused Moony," he continued. "In fact, I was seeing more clearly then than I had ever seen in my life. I now know why I couldn't go out with any of those girls. It was because they weren't you, Remus. I've always wanted you, I just didn't know it, but now I do. I see now that I love you."  
  
I took a step back to steady myself, but only managed to back into the closed door. I couldn't believe what Sirius was saying was true. His eyes though, they looked so intense. But this wasn't right.  
  
"Stop that now Sirius. We both love each other, but only as friends. You're all stressed out and now that kiss has gotten you all rattled," I interjected. "You just need to calm down and think this over rationally. In the morning perhaps-"  
  
"I'll still feel the same! I have been thinking this over rationally and I came to my conclusions. I love you Remus, that's all there is to it."  
  
The earnest way he said this almost frightened me. What he was saying wasn't true. Or maybe I didn't want it to be. I shook that thought away from me. Of course Sirius was mistaken. After seven years, you didn't just start loving your friend. And by the sight of him, who would have believed anything he said; he looked completely deranged. He sounded like he meant it though. There was definite emotion in those words. All the more reason he was deranged. But what if he wasn't?   
  
"Remus would you do something," he yelled suddenly, breaking my thoughts. I looked him over. He was near hysterics, his eyes pleading. His black hair fell to his shoulders, but it was ruffled and not looking of it's usual majestic quality. "You just stand there and you look at me so calmly. How can you do that? I want you to do something, anything at all. I know you have emotions too, let them out!"  
  
But I was still where I was, back against the door, incapable of doing anything at all. How could he not see I wasn't calm, that inside was screaming? I realized then my face was completely slack, though how I'd managed that one, I didn't know. Inside I indeed felt an upsurgence of emotions, but there were too many to display so my face just went on looking how I forced it to so much. Why couldn't I get it to look reassuring? There I was, devoid of a reassuring word or thought or anything, when my friend needed it the most. I took a step away from the door, then another.  
  
"Sirius . . . I . . . we . . . this can't," I mumbled tonelessly, unable to muster up what I wanted.  
  
I watched him go rigid. His eyes seemed to shoot sparks at me. Our eyes locked for a brief moment and I wondered what he might have seen. I know I saw pain and anger. And rejection. In the next moment he was sweeping passed me to the door I'd now unblocked. I thought about stopping him, my hand even reached out slightly, grazing his shoulder as he went by. I was met by a slamming door some two seconds later.  
  
I was left standing there in the dormitory, feeling somehow worse than I had ever felt in my life. It didn't add up. What had happened that morning was a stupid mistake. There were many more pressing matters. It was our seventh year at Hogwarts for goodness sake! We'd soon all be leaving into the world, a world plagued by a dark wizard and the unknown all together. Yet here I was, worked up over something as silly as a kiss. Except it wasn't just a kiss, it was Sirius.  
  
I threw myself onto my bed, breathing in my pillow. Just when I thought things couldn't get any more complicated, they go off and prove me wrong. I heard the door creaking open, but I felt no desire to get up to see who it was.  
  
"Lily said there was something up with you," I heard a hesitant voice. Then footsteps came to rest beside my bed. "Hey Remus, what's up? You're up here sulking and Sirius just came storming out, hexing some second year. What is up with you two?"  
  
I sighed and flipped over on my bed, feeling too exhausted to get up. I was met with concerned hazel eyes peering through glasses. "Sirius is just a little mad at me right now," I replied, my voice still dull and empty. I hoped he wouldn't prod into details, I wasn't about to give them and my brain was too sluggish to think of a good cover. This must have shown in my eyes, because he graciously moved on.  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm sure he'll get over it. I'll talk to him later for you if you want."  
  
I swallowed. "You don't have to do that, really. Thanks though."  
  
"No problem," James said, waving a hand as if to cast off any gratitude. "I better go see if Lily needs a hand with that second year now. Sirius did a number on him. If you want to talk later though . . . ."  
  
I noticed he gave me a curious glance and knew he was wondering what had gone on between us. I smiled weakly though and he just escaped back out of the room leaving me alone again with my thoughts. "It's all a big misunderstanding," I muttered to myself. "Besides, it helped me forget my earlier problems for a bit." I frowned to myself. If things kept getting any worse, I would probably manage to bite someone come next full moon. I glanced out the window then turned my back on it and dug my head back into the pillow. My mind was so busy, but I somehow managed to drift off to sleep, releasing visions in my head of Sirius in my arms. 


	3. Chapter 3

So I was lonely and confused and a nutcase. That seemed to be the verdict. I pushed passed some Hufflepuff kid, perhaps shoving him a bit rougher than I should have, but I didn't care. He'd get over it. Besides, I was crazy now. Crazy people did that kind of thing, attack innocent people in their way like second years and Hufflepuffs.  
  
That wasn't what was really bothering me though. I could take insults, been doing it for a long time in fact, but he had just stood there so calm. That's what made me mad. How could he stay so collective after something like that?! If anyone was crazy, it was him, Mr. I'm Too Good To Express My Feelings.  
  
"Damn you Remus," I growled under my breath.  
  
He always did think through things logically. Sometimes too much so. As for myself, well, my thought process was usually different. I had my impulse moments, even I could admit that. That morning had been one of them. I knew for a fact that it wasn't just some stupid lunatic impulse though. No, something else led to that one that was not crazy at all. After Remus had disappeared. I'd had some time to think it over and evaluate it. There was only one plausible explanation as to why I'd kissed him and that was that I loved him. That or someone had put some kind of charm on me to do it, but that was unlikely. Besides, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I should love Remus.  
  
But maybe I was being too hasty with this. Maybe I was just a little confused. Certainly Remus wasn't going to take any chances. When did he ever voluntarily take a chance though without being goaded into it by James or myself? I felt a strong urge to punch something right then.  
  
What would I have wanted him to say though? Did I really think he'd come running into my arms? No, of course not. But I had been expecting some kind of reaction. Perhaps some screaming and yelling, a good insult or two. Revulsion would have sufficed, disgust, downright anger. A punch in the face may have served me some good.  
  
Moony would have never done that though. I stopped dead in my tracks. That's what was so frustrating. I sat there that morning, I didn't even have to tell him what I was thinking, he just opened me up like a book. Then what do I get in return? 'I'm scared.' And what was that supposed to mean? What was he afraid of? Were there monsters under his bed, was he scared of the bogeyman? Then I kiss him and for a brief moment I get some kind of emotion, shock, but an emotion nonetheless, and then nothing again. He was as closed off as ever now. He certainly didn't expect me to try to guess what he was feeling, did he?  
  
If he closes off for good now, it'll be all my fault, I told myself, guilt creeping into my rage. I nearly rammed my head into the wall. It would not be all my fault, but I should have known better than to just blurt something like that out. Was I a complete idiot? The guy was scared to begin with, I didn't need to scar him for life. I turned on my heel and headed back the way I'd came, plowing though a group of gossiping Ravenclaw girls.  
  
"Excuse you," one yelled after angrily, but I just ignored her. I had to go back. I had to apologize to Remus. I also needed to find out what his thoughts were on all this. I hadn't given him a chance to speak before. I let myself get so worked up at not having gotten a reaction, when I'd barely given him a chance to blink before I stormed out. So maybe I was stretching the truth a bit, but certainly, shouldn't I have known he'd try to hide his feelings? He needed time to open up, like when we found out he was a werewolf. It had taken weeks before he even admitted to himself that we still wanted to be friends with him and he stopped acting so distant.  
  
I burst back into the Common Room, intent on marching straight up to the dormitory where Remus hopefully still was, alone. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a group of first years scattered to get away from me. This distraction caused me to miss the vicious red-head blocking my way through.  
  
"Sirius Black, where in Merlin's name have you been? And what makes you think you have the right to hex anyone you see and then just storm out of here?"  
  
I flinched slightly. There was literally almost steam coming out of Lily's ears. I didn't have time to waste on her though. "I'm really very sorry, but if you'll excuse me for a moment-"  
  
"I most certainly will not! Hexing innocent students is about the most cruel thing ever, no matter what kind of mood you're in. Isn't that right James?"  
  
It was then I spotted James by my left. His face contoured oddly as Lily addressed him. Under any different circumstances I would have laughed at him, but right then I couldn't have laughed if Snape had been in front of me in a pink tutu dancing to the Nutcracker. Okay, maybe I could have.  
  
"Lily's right," he said quickly at last, head hung. I sighed then rolled my eyes. Love made people do crazy things all right. James and I were walking proof. I watched as Lily went to open her mouth to have another attack at me and I waited.  
  
"Why don't you let me handle it," James said suddenly, regaining his proper neck posture and looking once again the regal stag and not the whipped dog. Lily cast him a suspicious look, even I gaped openly at him. He just smiled suavely though. "Come on, who knows better how to control Sirius than me?"  
  
I snorted loudly, unable to contain myself as these two wasted my time. That would be the last time I hexed someone in the Common Room unless their name was James Potter. Even that didn't look like a good idea anymore though with Head Girl Lily about. She was in fact right then looking from James to me before she sighed.  
  
"Oh, all right," she gave in, her inner gentleness seeking it's way out again. "You sort this out with him. I'll go see if that boy has stopped molting yet. He refuses to go to the hospital wing until he does."  
  
I raised an eyebrow as Lily bustled off. "So what kind of hex did I put on him anyway?" I asked, my curiosity escaping before I could even try to tame it.  
  
"You seem back to your normal self. Are you done being angry with Moony already?"  
  
I felt something lodge itself into my throat. Had he been talking to Remus? "What did he tell you?" I demanded quickly. Oh great, make it obvious.  
  
James shrugged. "Nothing really, just said you were mad at him. Lily told me he seemed off and when I got up there, he looked in a right state so I didn't try to push him. You wouldn't mind elaborating for me now, would you?"  
  
My throat constricted some more. Lily and James had seen something was wrong with him? It was less a question than my mind made it seem though. I too saw there was something up, but I didn't know what and it appeared neither did they. Whatever was in my throat dislodged. False worry, I told myself. And Remus hadn't talked to them either, I pointed out to myself, so it wasn't like I was the only one he'd closed off from, this wasn't exclusive. I wasn't sure if I should have felt relieved or disappointed by the fact that James also knew nothing on the matter.  
  
"This is a personal matter between Remus and me," I said firmly to James who was still eyeing me and waiting for an answer. "When he feels like expressing what it is, then you can know. Until then, I have business to take up with him on these matters." I tried to get to the dormitory, but James blocked me.   
  
"Sirius, when I had a problem this morning, you forced it out of me, now I plan on doing the same thing with you."  
  
"It's not going to work," I replied stubbornly, still trying to skirt passed James, but he was more agile than me. Damn Quidditch players. "Damn it James, let me through!"  
  
"Something's wrong with Remus and you and I want to know what is wrong with my friends."  
  
I sighed and threw my hands up in exasperation. "What do you want from me James? I told you already, this is personal. I know we're best friends, no secrets, but let me figure this on out on my own."  
  
We stood there for a moment, just staring at each other, waiting for the other to back down. I wasn't going to do that though. I was determined to set things right. James was going to have to accept that for once, this one time, I didn't want him there for me. I was more than relieved when I saw the signs of defeat come across his face.  
  
"All right Padfoot, you don't want to tell me just yet, fine. I understand." Of course, he didn't understand, but I was still glad to here hear him say that.  
  
"Thanks Prongs. I really need to do this alone. If we could have some privacy for awhile too, that would be great."  
  
"Yeah, sure. I'll keep Peter down here. And I don't think Remus has left to go anywhere."  
  
I almost beamed openly as I swept across the room and up the stairs. Things were looking better, not good, but better was all I could hope for right then. Once I reached the door though, my heart was beating too quickly. There were so many things that could still go wrong. But I had to say I was sorry. I turned the knob and opened the door slowly then closed it again gingerly behind me. Lying on one of the four poster beds was the sandy-haired, golden-eyed boy.  
  
"Remus?" I called out quietly. I took a few steps closer. "Remus, you up?" I mad my way silently to his bedside. He was definitely asleep. I watched as his body rose and fell in regular intervals. I reached one hand down to shake him awake, then thought better of it. Instead I went over and sat on the windowsill where Remus had just been that morning.  
  
So now what? I asked myself. I was feeling impatient. First Lily, then James and now he was asleep. It seemed everything I had to say would have to wait until morning and I couldn't bare that. I also couldn't bring myself to wake him though either. He was too peaceful right then, I wasn't going to ruin that. I wasn't going to screw things up again. I had to be patient. Fuck, how did Remus manage this patience thing? I stared out the window like he had been doing, but the scenery did little to clear my mind. The anxiety of that whole day still persisted to build up into one giant mountain of guilt, shame, and frustration.  
  
A strangled cry broke through my bad humor and dissolved all my ill feelings. My head spun around to take in Remus thrashing about in his bed. I jumped up and rushed to his bedside again, alarmed by this sudden episode. As he tried to untangle himself from sweaty sheets, tears were sliding down his cheeks.   
  
"Remus, it's okay," I said softly, hoping to sound as comforting as he could be when one of us needed it. He stopped struggling and looked at me with shining eyes. I wrapped my arms around his thin frame, almost instinctively, but he didn't object to it. He just dug his head into my shoulder, shuddering quietly.  
  
"Was it a nightmare?" I asked carefully. We all knew by now Remus suffered from what I called 'nighttime horrors.' It was kind of hard not to know when you shared a room to sleep in with him. He finally told us what they were about once, after a lot of persuasion. He had been shy and embarrassed, but he told us he often dreamed he was the werewolf, and he had managed to kill someone he cared for, sometimes one of us, sometimes, a family member, other times a complete stranger. I had shuddered when he'd told us. I shuddered again now as he nodded his head into my shoulder. I gave him a squeeze.  
  
"It's okay Remus. We'd never let you hurt anyone. We're always there for you on the full moon and any other time." He raised his now dry face, but I felt my shirt was now damp. My heart almost broke in half by the sight of him. He'd finally dropped the calm coating, utterly and completely, and the real Remus was on display for me to take in.  
  
"You won't be there much longer though," he whispered, his voice scratchy and old sounding. "We're almost done here. You and the others will go on and get jobs and have lives. I'm just a werewolf, and I have to face the facts, I have no future."  
  
"Don't say that," I rebuked firmly. I was getting used to using that tone with Remus that day. "We'll always be there for you no matter what. And you'll have a wonderful life. There are plenty of people out there willing to accept you like me and James and Peter and what about Dumbledore? I'll make people see you for who you really are if I have to."  
  
A hand reached up to his face to stop a single tear that had started. It was so pale and fragile looking. "I'm so scared Sirius," he said for the second time that day. "Voldemort's out there and I'm a dark creature, you know. What if I'm swayed to his side?" I just watched him, in pain as he showed me his emotions so plainly, exactly what I had wanted him to do, I thought to myself bitterly. Why did I ever wish to see this? "My mum is sick now too." My mouth formed a small 'oh' of surprise. "I got the owl this morning," he continued. "My dad took her to St. Mungo's. He said she'd be just fine, but I'm still worried."  
  
He dug his face back into my shoulder and I felt my shirt grow damper as I held him tighter. "I'm so sorry Remus," I whispered, unable to think of anything else to say for a moment. "I'm sure your mum will be okay, like your dad said. And I promise, I will never leave you alone and I will never let anything evil get to you ever. Voldemort will never get to you, your heart is too pure, don't you ever forget that. You are not just some werewolf, you are Remus Lupin, the nicest kid I have ever met who cares more about his friends and family than anyone in the world."  
  
Remus didn't make another sound and I didn't dare to either. Occasionally his shoulders shook, but even that soon stopped. I stroked his soft brown hair with one hand while clinging to him with the other. I vowed to myself right then that I would never let go of him again.  
  
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I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their reviews. I really appreciated the feedback and I'm soo glad you all enjoyed this story. I was so worried as this is my first ever attempt at slash, but you guys really know how to boost someone's self esteem. Thanks a bunch! I hope you continue to tell me what you think and I can take brutal honesty, so if there's anything you don't like, let me know so I can improve on it. Thanks again. 


	4. Chapter 4

The gossiping of birds outside greeted me nearly as cheerfully as the stream of sunshine filtering in through the window. My puffy eyed face was not in a state to give greeting back as I pulled on one corner of my bed hangings, lying in bed fully clothed. I knew all too well why I was in this state. And I felt ashamed.

The room lay quiet, all four other curtains drawn tight around the occupants inside the beds. I slunk off my bed as silent as I could and shrugged into clean clothes. With one last glance around the dormitory I stole out through the door and into a hushed common room. Only the earliest of risers were up at this time on a Sunday. Most found the weekends a prime opportunity to sleep in to make up for the sleep deprived weekdays.

I founda spot near the back of the room and curled into a chair. Nearby a girl of about second year read a book, dogged eared and worn, most likely a favorite and Muggle looking. Each student at Hogwarts had a story to tell. Hers was probably an exciting tale, finding out she was something special. And then she had to leave her family and her old way of life behind and such things are always hard.

I was no different from that girl.

But yet I was and worst of all I couldn't rid myself of the evil that had taken shelter within me. It was I now, a part of my very being.

I studied the girl from my spot, hoping she wouldn't suddenly feel my eyes glowing upon her and look up. I thought about what would happen if she ever discovered my secret. She probably didn't even know my name as I didn't know hers myself. She'd probably run to her friends, tell them all about the werewolf boy. They'd feed her stories of how vicious they were, but she'd already know from Muggle entertainments. She'd tell her parents, tell them of the dangers involved in being a wizard. They'd be alarmed. Her friends would tell their parents. Those with wizard parents would know what to do. They would contact Hogwarts immediately and I'd be sent out and forever shunned. In the time before that, students would avoid me in the halls, hide from my presence.

It was the truth. Sometimes I didn't blame them.

Sirius's words filtered through my head. _I'll make people see you for who you really are if I have to._ A faint smile danced across my lips briefly. If only swaying people were as simple as Sirius made it sound. I admired his valor, but saw its unrealistic aim.

I couldn't wash myself of everything he had said to me though, the way he had comforted me when the final strands of control I owned had been lost. I felt shameful for unburdening myself as I did upon my friend. But it had felt good to let it out at the same time. Too often I keep what I am feeling bottled up while putting on my face of calm. To be honest, I learned long ago that dwelling on the horrors of life does not make them go away and only adds to their burden. The way I handled things was easier and a much more intelligent maneuver, I felt. Some might think I was avoiding the issues, hiding away my worries and ignoring their presence. But I knew better than they that nobody wanted to listen to a young werewolf's woes. Except perhaps there was one who did. . . .

More students had begun to cascade down the dormitory steps, meeting with friends in the common room before making their expeditions to breakfast or wherever their day would bring them. Though I felt the urge to, I didn't bother rushing out. While I was not ready to speak to Sirius just yet, especially after the night before, I knew him well enough to be sure that he would not bring the subject up in front of the others. And he was certain not to rise at any early time, another fact I knew very well.

I was correct for when Sirius climbed down the dormitory steps, he was closely followed by James who was talking in his ear as Peter took up the rear. They stopped closely by the foot of the step, James never ceasing in what he was saying until Peter pointed out my location to Sirius who promptly changed their direction and led the small crew over. I remained in my seat, one eye upon them, the other watching the girl put away her book and join her own friends as I sighed inwardly.

"So, how does that sound then, Padfoot? I figure we might as well try for this evening after dinner since Quidditch basically takes up my week schedule and Remus has to keep us in during any and all free time to study for NEWTs. Not to mention Lily is making me take this Head Boy stuff seriously and all now," James was saying as they approached though I noticed Sirius wasn't really paying much attention.

"Moony! There you are! You really need to stop getting up so early."

I felt he was on the verge of continuing whatever he had been discussing with Sirius, however, Sirius interrupted him before he could begin.

"We can talk about this later after breakfast," he said much more gruffly than he usually did with James. I couldn't help but wonder whether his sharp manner had anything to do with any kind of annoyance in regards to the night before. I had thought he'd been genuine, but perhaps he had found my emotional issues too much to deal with.

In any case, we headed out of the portrait hole and found our way to the Great Hall for breakfast, which went by without much incident. Sirius seemed to finally loosen up enough to conspire with James while Peter listened intently. James was busy describing an elaborate plot involving Snape, Peeves, and a blast-ended newt when Lily appeared at his elbow.

"Excuse me," she said, one hand on her hip, wearing most stern look of disapproval she could muster. "How many times have I told you to leave that boy alone? What an example you're providing as Head Boy."

I watched in silence as Peter's eyes lit up, moving back and forth between Lily and James as they squabbled. The scene was slightly humorous, but not enough to keep myself from glancing over at Sirius. I caught his eyes with my own and he nodded his head toward the door slightly. I nodded and we both got up, vacating the table as Professor McGongall approached to discover the cause of such a commotion.

"She's a fiery one," Sirius said, referring to Lily as we walked down a corridor adorned with tapestries. I noticed that he sounded nervous and kept brushing his long hair from his face.

"Indeed she is," I agreed, doing my best to remain serene throughout our discourse, my thoughts resting on not making another scene. "Listen, Sirius, I'm terribly sorry for last night. I don't – "

"What? You're apologizing for having a nightmare? What are you daft Remus?" Sirius interrupted, his voice firm yet vaguely mocking. A quick look at his face revealed a smile. "You don't need to feel ashamed about that. I just did what you would have done in that situation. Besides, I should be the one who is apologizing. I wasn't fair to you yesterday."

The smile on his face slowly disappeared as he continued. I realized that we had stopped walking and were now taking up the middle of the hallway. I also knew that the conversation had turned back to dangerous territory, back to the topic of that crazy kiss.

"No, I shouldn't have assumed that you were confused or overwhelmed. I should have let you finish what you were saying. That was unfair of me," I replied, trying to remove the look of intense worry on his face, though I was unsure how. I could never consent to allowing Sirius to love me. In a flash, however, I realized that at that moment I wanted nothing more than to be able to be safe in his arms. But it would never be his duty to protect me.

"You're probably right Moony," Sirius smiled briefly. "You don't always need to tell me how I'm feeling. I don't always need to be so impatient though either. I threw a lot on you, and I understand that what I said didn't make a lot of sense. It's not normal or right for me to say that I love you."

There was a momentary pause where nothing happened. Sirius seemed to be building himself up to move onto his next point and I couldn't bring myself to do anything. All I knew was that I really needed to know what he had to say next. The conflict playing in his eyes told me that there was something he was fighting to say, or something he was fighting to not say.

"And you were probably right," he said at last, his eyes downcast, not quite looking at me anymore, hiding anything that might be expressed in them. He sounded slightly defeated, I couldn't help thinking. But maybe I was just imagining it. "I mean, I didn't mean to do what I did yesterday and maybe I jumped to conclusions too quickly by saying that I loved you. I just hope, that, you know, we can still be friends."

He finally looked back up, staring at me expectantly. "We can just pretend like it never happened if you want to," he added quickly. It felt like something was tugging at my chest slightly as he said that.

"Well, I wouldn't want it to hurt your reputation that this happened, so if you want to. . . ." I said slowly before adding, "And nothing will ever affect our friendship."

Relief filled his face as I said this. But something that happened before this caught me by surprise. For a brief moment there had been a frown, a look of rejection, a sign that I had in fact not said what he had been truly hoping for. He had wanted me to tell him that we should not act like the kiss had never happened. That was an impossibility.

"Well, I guess now that that is all squared away," Sirius began, appearing to be his cheerful, suave self again, only a hint of discontent showing through, "I need to go find out if Lily has truly interfered with our plans for tonight. Snape isn't going to know what hit him when were through with him. You should join us."

"No, thank you," I said softly. I wasn't quite in a mood at that moment to insist that Lily was probably right in stopping their plans to terrorize Snape. Perhaps later in the day if they still planned on following through with it. At that moment though, I just wanted to find a nice window and sit down and watch the world go by.

I watched as Sirius turned away, catching his features fall as he did so. Or maybe I had only been hoping to see that. As he walked away, I felt a strong desire to follow after him. _And tell him what?_ Sirius was my friend and even if I did like him in a way more than that, it was best to ignore it. He had been kind to me in my moment of collapse, and it had caused me to believe I felt something more. On top of the previous incident, it was no wonder my mind had traveled to this conclusion. But the kiss meant nothing. I could never be in a relationship with anyone anyway.

I took in a deep breath, pressing my back to the wall for a second. The surge of emotion I suddenly felt toward Sirius was unnerving, but I knew that I had made the only decision I could have made in that scenario. And with this idea set into my mind, I composed myself and began to make my way back to the common room.


End file.
